Be Your Own Hero

Blame is dumb. It's a waste of energy.

Leads you no where.

Gives you nothing.

Keeps you in a bad mood.

Blame is pathetic.

It is also contagious!

Don't lie to me. You blame other people, things and events that happen in your life to justify why you did or didn't do something. I do! I do it and I always have to back myself up and think about, whatever it was, in a different way.

Story time!

Growing up, I didn't typically blame other people for why something bad happened to me. In high school, at the height of my competition days, I did a lot of visualizing on how good I would play in the next game and would workout 8 hours a day (not consecutively) on the game of softball so that no one could say they worked harder than me.

Although, I did blame myself a lot I suppose. If I messed up even a little bit, I would think "If I would have done more of this, I wouldn't have had that error...If I was better this wouldn't have happened...bla bla bla"

Regardless, it always worked out because I never stopped working hard. Until one day, after a degrading phone call with my Dad, everything changed.

I'll never forget the day I quit softball and blamed every one and every thing for every single event that went wrong in my life. It was like a switch totally flipped.

In that phone call, I was basically told I would never amount to anything. That I wasn't working hard enough. That I had no heart and no drive and I just was not giving it everything I had because I wasn't a starter. When I hung up the phone I thought, "Yeah? Well fine, I'll prove it to you"

That was that.

I blamed my coaches for not getting me in games when I knew I was good enough. Hahaha. I look back now and I think, "Wow, Tor. You're so dumb and blind." I started at 3rd base for a whole off season my freshman year...but they didn't give me a chance? Hahaha, what a moron young Torie. I was the first to be placed in almost any position when someone got hurt, but they didn't give me a shot? Wow. My sophomore year they worked my ass off knowing I'd be a starter either that year or next. They were tough on me but I assumed they just hated me...again...way to go, Tor.

I was blaming my coaches for crap that I totally made up in my head because I was a Debbie Downer and pissed off at my Dad. Was it truly my Dad's fault? Heck NO! Imagine what my 4 years at the UW would have been had I not been placing blame. Imagine what it would have been like if I would have prepared myself for any possible opportunity instead of damaging it because I blamed the coaches, and my Dad, for my attitude?

Blame is pathetic. A waste of time. An embarrassment.

Life is out of your control. Other people's choices are out of your control. YOU are in your own control.

You work all day, be with your kids all night (or all day and night for stay home parents), you have mounds of housework to do, or maybe you have unaccomplished dreams or goals. Although, you can't possibly finish them cause you're too tired and you worked all day...

I have a sister who is raising a family of 7, has a full time job, keeps the house clean and family fed, volunteers and is part of numerous clubs and fundraisers, and WHO IS IN FREAKING LAW SCHOOL! Tell me you're tired again and I'll show you someone who works their butt off to accomplish their dreams and get shit done. Oh and by the way, she finds time to take sporadic trips with her friends or alone anywhere from the San Juans to freaking Italy. Tell me again how tired you are.

I'm not implying you should do all the things she does, all I'm trying to get across is that blame and excuses are useless.

I am also a blamer and excuse giver. It's a struggle sometimes to not do it, but I work to avoid it.

Be you're own hero. Even if your goal for the day is to get the dishes done or one load of laundry completed, do it. Don't say, "Ugh...I'm too tired, I'll just do it tomorrow." I say that ALL THE DAMN TIME. You know when tomorrow is? 5 days after the fact, hahaha.

Ever since I had that phone call with my dad 10 years ago, I've never ever forgotten it. That was the day I learned what blame, excuses, and giving up, really meant. I will never, ever give in like that ever again.

We're all busy. It isn't like you're the only one on Earth who works 14 hours a day, or raises kids on your own, or runs a business and a family, or has a bad day. It's even ok to think negative, bitch to your friends, and complain! You need to let that out! Just refuse to carry it with you. Say your peace, let it out, move on, no blame.

You're better than that :)

Be your own hero.

Fresh Start Pt 3: My Wolfpack

I first heard this poem when I became a softball player for the University of Washington. We recited this poem before every game to remind ourselves, regardless of life off the field, on the field we were to stick together. Fight for each other. Know that we are only as strong as our weakest link and to take care of one another.

Fast forward to ten years later, I found another group of people, who not only know this poem, but have adopted its message as part of their lifestyle.

While I was in Japan going through everything, I figured the one thought that could keep me happy was working out. Very quickly, that faded. All energy was lost.

Once I came home and slept for about a month, I began to pursue CrossFit again. My second love outside of softball. Unknowingly, I had a pretty strategic game-plan for getting things back together for myself. Number one on the list of to-dos? Get back to doing what you love. Boom. Check that off the list. ;)

Walking through the doors of a competitive CrossFit gym had me feeling more excited and motivated than I could ever remember being. Barbells smashing the ground, pull up rigs squeaking with 15 people simultaneously at work on them, and people gasping for air as they try to achieve a PR in weights, technique, time, or all the above at once. Call me crazy, but the sites and sounds of people trying to become a better version of themselves, is inspirational.

The first 3 months were fantastic. I met friends very quickly. By the end of the first month, my roommate (and sister basically) and I started scheduling gym get togethers once a month at the house.  It was a potluck thing mixed with games. Game of choice you wonder? Cards Against Humanity. You find out very quickly a few things playing that game. It was as if we were holding try outs for who could handle our weird personalities, not get offended easy, love to laugh....and are slightly sick in the head. Apparently, a lot of the gym was "messed up" so I fit right in to the insanity that is CrossFit Advantage.

In June of 2014, I competed in my first CrossFit competition know as the "Queen Anne Riot". I had no idea the damn thing existed until a week prior to the start day. A small group of us went out to dinner after a WOD (workout of the day) for a friend's birthday. One of the athletes from the gym, Dylan, mentioned he needed a partner for the comp. He turns to me, and asks if I'd be down to do it. I had some heavy hesitation. I mean, I just started CrossFit again. Was I ready for RX'd (weight prescribed in a WOD)? Could I handle multiple workouts in one day? This was my first comp ever. Would I let him down? Every single question was muted without me asking. Dylan tuned to me and stated very 'matter of fact', "You're strong enough. You're doing it. Done." Needless to say, that one conversation and day of training catapulted our friendship and deep, sibling like, bond.

*By the way, the first WOD was a 1 mile run with 30in box jumps throughout the run. Immediately after, you had to back squat 115 lbs as many times as possible in 2 minutes. I did the run in about 8 min 20sec and completed 25 back squats (maybe a few less). I was very pleasantly surprised. :)

For the last year and half, I have formed some pretty strong relationships with people from CrossFit Advantage. Bonds that will never be broken, no matter the distance or frequency of conversation. Dylan is just one example of a handful of experiences I have had the honor of having with other CFA (CrossFit Advantage) athletes.

I walked into that gym as a lone wolf. I had some friends with me, but what I needed was a pack. A place to go to release stress. A network of friendships to pick me up, take me away from my depressed thoughts and "Would'a, should'a could'a" statements. That entire facility did that for me. Every single CrossFitter, even if I only spoke with them one time, changed me. Picked up me up. I was lifted, held high, respected. I had a few people, and still do, who will not let me think I don't deserve something or even entertain the idea, that I can't do something. Most of the time, it's about lifting weight or performing a gymnastic movement. However, I have been forced by my CFA family to think positive, know I deserve it, know I can achieve anything. All of those assurances has spilled, and continues to pour really, over to the rest of my life. 

These people, these monster athletes, have pushed me to be who I should have always been. They brought out the original me. I may have written quite a bit on this experience, but I cannot truly express in writing the profound impact they have all had on my life. Just thinking about it and fully embracing the memories and warmth from them renders me absolutely speechless.

No matter where I go or the time in-between conversations and visits, they will always be my Wolfpack. 

"For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack"

*Special shout out to my on-ramp class, WPW, Lady's Power Hour, and my brothers

Fresh Start Pt 2

The moment that you've all been waiting for!

Probably the one that'll have you scratching your heads. Mostly because of society's rules on relationships....

As I mentioned last week, I had 4 months of pure insane social bliss. Seriously, I had the time of my life. I needed that release sooooooo bad.

In March of 2014, I had a slowpitch tournament up in Mount Vernon, WA. I remember, in our first game, we played a team with a witty 2nd baseman. I didn't notice it at the time, but he was the most chatty with me. Apparently, I ignored him for the most part. Probably in my competitive zone. He was cracking jokes mostly, since I seared a few right by his face. :)

As the day came to an end, I talked with my bff, Jen. Isn't she purdy?!

I don't know how she brought it up, but she pointed to a handsome guy in the dugout that was nearby. Mentioned he was single, he stays in shape, and is really nice. Little miss match maker....

Well, I was feeling feisty and told her to give him my number but then immediately retracted that statement. He actually did tell her that he wanted my number. So instead, I told her to give him some hell and tell him that if he wants my number, he has to earn it. He can't spend the whole day not coming over and saying hi, right? And then get a number for free?!

For the next 3 months, we texted here and there. I can't even tell you how many times this guy asked me out. He said he'd even drive south (45 minutes) just for lunch or dinner. Every time I said no. I was scared. At the sake of his emotions and mine, I just let him down easy....multiple times.

Let's fast forward about 3 months. We were playing in a tournament in Sumas, WA. Right on the border to Canada basically. It was a Friday night, we were having a great time, separately, with our friends. I thought he was in a relationship, so I spent a good portion of the night hanging out with my friends...until he pulled me away from the crowd.

Without fear or hesitation, he told me exactly what he felt and his intentions. I have never been approached so honestly, with so much fight, and so much love. Needless to say, we hung out all night long. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. (oh, and he never was in a relationship)

Seriously, I feel asleep in a camping chair at 4 in the morning. Haha. I can honestly say, I fell in love with him that morning. Little did I know, he walked a quarter mile to get me his sleeping bag so I wasn't cold that night. He got up at 5am, and walked my dog without me asking. He genuinely cared and took care of me and my bestest little friend. 

He did the same thing the next night, only this time I stole a sweatshirt and rain jacket, haha. Maybe a fanny pack too...why? I don't know, it's a freaking fanny pack! Who wouldn't want to wear one! ;)

We had a date that Sunday night, at his house, and he made dinner. I was only bringing back his jacket, but of course he offered dinner. We talked the whole time. I felt completely and totally comfortable.

That following Wednesday, I invited him to Emily's birthday dinner. Do you know what he did? Brought her a card! He has no idea who this girl is and brought her a birthday card! Before this point, I dated jerks, so this was a HUGE win for him, haha.

As the night came down to an end, we sat in my car and talked for 3 solid hours. I knew he wanted to be with me, so I told him exactly what happened months earlier. I told him how I felt, what I felt then in the car, and what I wanted to avoid and what I'm afraid of. Within those 3 hours we shared stories, intentions and 2 very sweet and passionate kisses. He absolutely swept me off my feet. 

In the 4 months prior to this, I had been living with one main thought, "Do what you feel". If it's a mistake, its a mistake. I have made so many mistakes in my life, but in the end? I don't regret a single thing. I either learned from them or they ended up being great memories. 

That night, before he left my car, I told him that I wanted to be with him....the rest is history. 

He is the most amazing man I have ever had in my life. I have tried to talk myself out of a relationship, tried to find all the flaws and "red flags" that should guide me away...but I found not a damn thing. Every time I tried to play Devil's Advocate, I found a multitude of reasons why he's amazing. The list keeps getting longer. He truly and deeply loves me and my family. He brings out the best in me. It makes him smile when I do my favorite things that make me smile. He helps me, he encourages me, and he just flat out loves me unconditionally. 

Yeah...this post is mostly to brag about the most caring and unbelievably unselfish man I've ever met in my life. He's my everything and I would do anything in this world to see him smile. I have never felt a love like this. :) 

Who knows why things like this happen. Who knows why I have been through so much hell.  Maybe it's to lead us to better things? Maybe it's to make us appreciate things more than we ever would have before? All could be true. When bad things happen, it can either change us or defeat us. Sometimes it's both. Sometimes you get defeated and then change because of it. Whatever the reason or purpose, just know that there's more than one door to walk through. Just because a couple closed up, doesn't mean you can't open a different one. 

Take a risk. Life begins outside your comfort zone. That's where I found him and where he found me. 

"Sing, like you don't need the money. Love like you'll never get hurt. You gotta dance, dance, dance, like nobody's watching. It's gotta come from the heart if you want it to work."

Fresh Start Pt. 1

Wow. It has been over a year...ok, it's been almost a year and half since my last blog post.

Clearly trying hard to keep people posted. ;)

As you see in the title, this is Part 1 to many more blogs that I need to write. I don't know how many more, or who will read them, but I am going to write them anyways.

Here we go....

On January 29th, 2014, I jumped on a flight in Fukuoka Japan to Seattle, WA. Why? Almost everyone knows the story by now...for those that don't, my marriage came to an excruciating end. I should have seen it coming. I was given every single sign that God could possibly throw my way. Instead, I batted them back like a one sided game of badminton.

I spent 8 months in utter denial. I went back and forth with blaming myself for the wreckage and thinking very logically with some acceptance. However, with every passing day, with every trip to a therapist, with every anti-depressant I tried to take, with every feel good song....eventually, I accepted it.

I won't go into detail what the actual issue was that ended things. You can make up your own story there. Let me just say, there is no way in hell (which I'm pretty sure I was trapped in) I would have made it through without my two friends in Japan and my immediate family at home. Together we all made game plans. Just as if I was in the middle of a battle, with my back literally against a wall, they all grabbed a limb and pulled me up and gave me the strength and courage to get shit done and move on. It was absolutely incredible.

Alright, moving on!

After about a full month of sleeping.....no joke, I slept day and night for literally a few weeks...I moved from my mom's house to my best friend (sister more like) Emily's house. There I stayed put for a little over a year.

In the first 4 months, I was flying by the seat of my pants! Holy crap. Sleep meant nothing. I needed to get out, experience and enjoy life, meet people, get fit, get happy and just love myself! I had a great job, new car and I really put myself out there at my CrossFit gym. I don't know if they understand it fully, but there are a few people who were, and still are, down right homies. Ride or die type of friends that I never would have met, had I not left Japan.

I was literally out almost every night. No, I was not out getting hammered and partying my tooshie off. I was just out with my friends. Talking, laughing, sharing, eating (lots of eating), dating kinda, lifting, learning, competing! All of my favorite things. I did them all.

It was almost as if I completely transformed. I went from someone who was incredibly unmotivated and bored and alone...to someone who was a damn social butterfly doing all of their favorite things! I couldn't have possibly had more fun!

Every. Single. Day. You have two choices. Wake up and kick ass, or stay in bed and give up. Sometimes you need a give up day...but I hope, more times than not, you get your butt out of bed and do something! Do something you love. Talk to people you care about. Don't hold in your feelings or thoughts. Share them! Get it out! Be you! I promise that the old phrase, "The night is darkest just before the dawn" is absolutely true. Just when you think, or feel, that you need to tap out, something amazing is about to happen. Take advantage of it when it does. :)

Part 2 next week.