It's probably obvious by now, seeing the location of my Facebook and Instagram posts, that I'm back in the states.
Things didn't work out to well with me and Jordan.
I don't think its appropriate to disclose the reasons why publicly.
However, coming home was not easy. Dealing with a divorce is not easy. Ending a relationship that was sparked 12 years ago is not easy. There's a piece of me that will always remain with Jordan and in Japan. From June of last year to February of this year, has been an incredibly difficult ride. I'm not even sure how I'm in such a good place, but I am.
This post isn't to be negative to him, but I just want to share how incredible my life is.
It is phenomenal who comes out of the wood work to support you when you desperately need it. I met a couple life long friends in Japan who walked with me every step of the way and family and friends at home who didn't care how late in the night I called to just talk.
Then it got more powerful when I got home. People I've always had a good time with, but never really hung out a ton with, was there.
Life sucks sometimes. There's no doubt about that. Life in itself, however, is not terrible. No matter your circumstance. Even if you think you messed everything up and there's no fixing things...there is. When things don't go your way and it seems like you have had a year of bad luck, that doesn't mean its going to last forever. You have to literally pick yourself up and keep moving.
There were so many times I wanted to throw my hands up in the air with defeat. I literally could not care any less about my life, where it was going to go, or what would happen. I gave up CrossFit for a little bit. I stopped eating for a couple months. Dropped 10 pounds in a very unhealthy way. I literally gave up.
But oddly, every day, there was one thing that ran through my mind. One moment in my past that taught me a lesson and that kept creeping into the forefront of my mind...
The day I quit softball at the University of Washington and the three years after that I spent regretting it. I learned, three years after the fact, that you never quit because life gets hard. You don't give up because you feel like you messed things up beyond repair. When you do, you feel regret.
So for the last 2 1/2 months, I began thinking of all the things I was going to do to move on from this. To get over my anger, to make sure I didn't fall, to not regret a single thing.
Since the moment I stepped foot back in the states, I've been on the move. As a result, I'm back in CrossFit and starting back at square one. Dropping the ego, relearning what I thought I knew by heart and getting back into a sport I love as much as I do softball. I'd like to thank CrossFit Advantage for that. You guys are amazing and I'm so happy you exist! Cody, you have an amazing gym!
I also started a brand new career. One of my closest and longest friends, Emily, is giving me a shot with her company to help make it grow and be a staple with its resources in not just education, but in just about anywhere. My background in education helps for sure and I'll be teaching with the company within a year (hopefully!). I'll probably get back into coaching too down the line which has me excited also.
Every day I wake up with an agenda. I wake up trying to answer one question: How am I going to make myself better today? How am I going to be the best person I can be today? Sometimes the answer to that question is just waking up with a good attitude. Sometimes its dedicating the day to pushing myself past my limit with my job or in the gym. Sometimes it just connecting with a friend or family member I haven't talked to in a while. There is always something. I'm not perfect. I'm not always the best person or make the best decisions. But can anyone really say they are? No. The courage to be the best YOU can be will be enough.
I'm learning one more thing. How to just live with myself. How to love me for me. It's easy to get caught up in the rat race of life and push away any thoughts of reflection. Keeping busy so you don't have to face the truth. I'm pushing myself to face the truth every day. Sometimes its good. Sometimes bad. However, I realize these faults and I strive to correct them. For my strengths, I make sure I continue to use them.
I've got plans people! I've got standards and goals. I'll achieve every single one of them and maybe even exceed my expectations in those endeavors. There will be good days and bad days still to come. That's ok. I've got a lot of support to fall back onto, so I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.
Thank you to everyone who has stepped into my life. Whether we talk or not. You've effected me in some way. You've contributed to who I am whether our experiences together have been positive or not. To all my friends and especially my family (on both sides) thank you. One of my flaws I need to improve is communication. I promise to make that my strength.
No regrets right? That's typically my theme in my posts. Live life to the fullest! That means something different to everyone, but don't waste your time with it. Live it. Even if its indulging in a day of Netflix like I just did. :)
And on those days, where you think everything has gone to hell, just know that it hasn't. Feel those emotions. Really feel them. Pushing them away just makes those emotions stronger later down the road and it explodes into something bigger. If you just sit, and you just feel...you will learn a lot about yourself. Cry, get angry, hide from the world, do whatever you need to do to get those emotions out. There's nothing wrong with making everything about you. It's needed from time to time. Do it until you get it all out.
Then start being awesome again. Start getting back to your roots. Remember what makes you tick, what makes you move, what makes you smile, and do all those things. Every. Single. One.
I didn't write this to be a sob story, but to maybe tell you that its ok to feel. It's ok to give up. It's ok to move on. We all have a process. Go with it. Just know that throwing in the towel entirely is NEVER an option. Ever. You're better than that. I'm better than that. Our lives are worth more and we deserve to enjoy every second regardless of what you did or are going through. Change it right now.
What are you going to do today to be the best version of you?
No comments:
Post a Comment